Seattle, Washington: James Andrews, 28, seemed like the perfect candidate to work for the United States Central Intelligence Agency.  Graduate from Harvard, fluent in Russian, and a relative goody-two shoes to boot, Andrews had everything the CIA could want.

Except, that is, for one major personality flaw.

“We really liked this Andrews guy, we really did,” says CIA Agent and Andrew’s interviewer, Celia Rowe, 41.  “Really pleasant demeanor, smart, great sense of humour. The type of guy you’d get a beer with.  There was one major flaw, however, that we just could not overlook: this guy just did NOT seem like he would be cool with casually starting regime change wars with us!”

“If interfering with the affairs of other countries wasn’t like, the main thing that we did all the time, this would be fine,” continued Rowe. “We would have been willing to overlook this. But, to be honest, making up fake reasons to go to war is just, well, what we do, man!  If you’re not down to clown on that one, as we sure do some royal clowning around here at the CIA, I don’t know what to tell you.”

“If we hire the wrong person, after all, they may just openly tell the public that we’re war criminals!  While that’s uh.. totally true, we can’t have someone just like…say it, you know?”

At press time, Rowe had to leave because she had to go board a plane to Iran for some reason? Weird.

Stav is a recent graduate of McGill University: you can check out her blog here.

This piece is part of the MJPS Satire section. Although potentially based on true events, it is not intended to accurately portray reality. Opinions expressed through this article are solely those of the author and do not reflect the position of the McGill Journal of Political Studies or the Political Science Students’ Association. 

Featured image by Lauren Hill