Washington, D.C: In her final public appearance in her current position, departing U.S. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders announced her successor: a magic 8-ball. 

“Given how badly the fake news media treats our President, future press briefings will consist of members of the Press Corps sitting around a table shaking the 8-ball,” said Sanders, to the relief of the journalists in the crowd, who were happy to hear there was at least going to be a press briefing in the future. 

“I think my successor will be just as reliable at giving you answers as I was,” said Sanders. 

She continued: “As you know, the relationship between the press and the President has a long history. The first Press Secretary, George Akerson in 1929, was Press Secretary to an unpopular, isolationist, wealthy Republican President who raised massive tariffs to the detriment of America’s farmers. How far we have come since then.” 

President Trump also plans to use the 8-ball to replace his recently-fired pollster team. “To be honest, I was worried about hiring an immigrant,” the President told MJPSatire, referring to the ‘Made in China’ sticker on the 8-Ball, “but this is probably much better than the Lindsey Graham hand puppet I was planning to use.” 

Trump continued, “And this new pollster is great! It told me ‘It Is Certain’ that I will win Minnesota – the first Republican since Nixon! Nixon! Can you believe it? I couldn’t believe it. People keep saying I remind them of Nixon. I never understood. Now I see it!”

“I would tell you how I do in Michigan but the 8-ball said ‘Try again later,’ so I’ll let you know in a few weeks,” concluded the President. 

Edited by Catharina O’Donnell

This piece is part of the MJPS Satire section. Although potentially based on true events, it is not intended to accurately portray reality. Opinions expressed through this article are solely those of the author and do not reflect the position of the McGill Journal of Political Studies or the Political Science Students’ Association. 

Featured image by Lauren Hill